life doesn't have to be this way, charlene.

The night's frigid again. It's so annoying. I hate the cold AND the wet. And come the 9th, I will be jetting to a place that has a temperature of 14?!? I'm not looking forward to it. It's my first time away from my family and it makes me jittery. I ought to be all excited, really. I think I would be... If the place that I was head to was NYC instead. Haha.
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There are many times when I wonder what the *beep* happened to me during those 2 years. Wish I could rip off that part of me. If only... if only...
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I miss tons of things. I regret tons of things. I wish I did this... I wish I did that... But self-wallowing isn't gonna do me any good. And if I keep thinking that life's also gonna start when I go off to NYC (if I ever trust in my stupid self and be diligent enough to fight all the way for it), I'm gonna waste my life now. I don't want to waste it. Yet I have no idea what I want to do with it. And if I keep having the mentality that I can't do this and that...

Gawd. What's happening?
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I don't want to sink into a stupid abyss. Yet somehow... Somehow...
Ah feck it.

Back to the books. (Or rather papers.)

grey impatience.

I'm finally done with the 4 pyps for Foundation of Math. I left all the functions questions blank though 'cause I have yet to go through the notes for them.

Can I really go through this for 4 years? 3 and a 1/2 if I push myself hard. Well, now it's 1/2 a year gone already. Hmmm... Dad thinks I should just switched to Accountancy. But I kinda like what I am doing. Even though I'm never ever gonna further this. I want to do something else after this... And an idea just popped into my head this morn whilst watching 'Behind the Scenes' for New Moon. Hmmm... Well, if I were really still interested, I will know what I'm talking about when I read this entry 4 years down the road!

It must be really good to do something that's not conventional. Yucks. Hate that word. But things that aren't so come with a hell lot of risks. And I'm a risk-adverse person. *screams "BORINGGG!!!"*
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Got to pack my stuff to bring to Aunt's place. More studying. *barfs*
Note-to-self: Life can start NOW. But only if you allow it to.

Oh yeah. TAYLOR LAUTNER ROCKS!!!

you can count on me, bella.

I think I can recite lines from 'New Moon' already. At least for those scenes where JACOB BLACK appeared. Hahaha. I watched it 3 times and am gonna head down to the theatres to watch it again after my exams! Can't believe I am still in the midst of exams, looking at the way that I behaved for the past 2 days. And now it's 11.30am and what am I doing?!?

As my brother said, maturity, maturity. Ahem.
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I swear to be less stupid next semester. I'm gonna pick up 2 more languages. My brain has no capacity to go memorize stuff like Psychology, Forensic Science, Astronomy... I much rather memorize grammatical rules. It's a million times easier on this puny brain of mine.
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Got to jet off now and get some MAJOR studying done. I have ordered plenty of stuff online; 2 dresses, Stila lip stains, NYX Snow White Round Lipstick (FINALLY!!! It took ages to look for this one! And at a reasonable price too! *beams*), EDM foundation sample and EDM Baby Kabuki brush.

Like CRRRAP. I'm dipping into my Christmas funds!!!
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Really got to sign off now. But before I take my leave,

JACOB BLACK/ TAYLOR LAUTNER IS SOOO MAD GORGEOUS!!! <333

(anyone who says otherwise is mad blind.)

oopsy daisy.

i feel so woozy this morning.
think i'll go lie in bed for a while more with 'eclipse'.

and the stars are hung up again.

i feel like i can finally move on now... some stuffs haven't been said but they will soon be... but... thank you God for every, every, every single thing.

gawd. breathe, breathe, breathe...
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feels like i had been holding my breath for the past 2 years and since two weeks, i held it even harder...
i keep popping back into fb to re-read that message. over and over again. you don't know how much it meant.

and thank God that i got the message whilst watching 'New Moon' for the 2.5 times so that i wasn't reduced into a complete sobbing mess. that would have created a scene at home.
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eli tomorrow. gawd. i need her.

just sometimes...

(simply.megan)

Sometimes, I just wanna go to the beach and be a mopey emo kid.
Throw pebbles into the sea, pick up sea shells, feel the sand grains shifting between my toes, have the waves crashing into my ankles, smell the salty air...
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But that's a part of me that's gone.
And I don't ever want to pick her up again.

heads up, pal.

Brother: As you grow older, you realize that studies aren't everything (i.e. not studying). I can see that you're becoming mature my sister. And as you can see, I'm very mature.

-

I left the exam hall early. The comprehension was like Chinese, except that you use the alphabet. I felt really jaded on the way home. As much as I want to be done with my education and go on to the next stage of life, I can't continue things at such a godspeed rate. 3/4 of the time I can't breathe.

it's the 2nd one.

I can choose to be really stupid about it or I can just accept it and move on. Life's an escalator. It never stops moving. So why should I be going back?
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Looking forward to a billion and one things!!!
Exams, end now!!!

(At the rate I'm studying, I'd be thankful if my GPA's a 3.0!)
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And LMAO! Xiao Lu's really funny!!! I was speaking with her on the phone last night. I should be the one who's panicking because I'm completely lost in virtual translation but nooo... It was SHE was doing all the panicking. Haha. I couldn't stop laughing. And then, there was my brother who was laughing at my attempts to speak Chinese.

It's FRENCH night tonight! (:

Economics is O-V-E-R!!! Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!!! Hehe!!! The paper was okay... I thank God that I was able to pen SOMETHING down for every question.

Okay, I started typing something about the paper but I decided NOT to. Haha. It's over, so who cares?!? Haha. Liberation at its best-est!!! Haha. Now I can finally study something that I'm (supposedly) in love with!
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Off to study a foreign language now! (:

(The yellow post-its on my wall says 'がんばって！！！' and some random Calculus stuff. Haha.)

optimism drives the economy.

I shall stop magnifying things and just work hard at life as much as I can. I shall stop looking for the easy way out. I shall stop dwelling in the past. And I shall stop punishing myself and feeling insecure/ inferior for things that are now history.
-

It's time to look forward.
And to look upwards, at that.
-

More Economics in 7 minutes' time. (Break now. Ahem!)

the wriggly worm in the book.

it's all a matter of staying strong and standing on my own 2 feet.

trusting, and trusting, and trusting who's to be trusted.

-

Okay, LET'S HIT THE BOOKS.

Okay, enough self-wallowing. I have no idea why I'm doing so much of that nowadays!!!
EWWW EWWW AND DOUBLE THE EWWW!!!
-

Another piercing?
Hmmm...

Hell, bring it on!

"You are absolutely right – there is definitely a purpose to all this. The going may be tough, but knowing that you are here for a purpose (even if yet unclear at this point) helps to give you strength to press on. Remember that trials and tribulations help us to learn perseverance, which in turn leads to character and hope (Romans 5:3-5)."

Professeur Ling San

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Since university started, there were many instances when I felt very alone. (Consequence of not attending any orientation camps mais je n'aime pas de jeux... Like seriously. Et je déteste it especially when it involves people of the opposite sex being in super close proximity.) But even when I'm not constantly surrounded by friends like I used to be, I get all the help that I need; emotional et physical.

Though I have failed Him many times, and am still failing in every aspect, He never fails me. And He's the only one who should occupy my head. No one else.
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Lately, I have been recalling the past a lot. I'm guessing that it's because it all happened when I was studying. And subconciously, I had linked the 2 together. It's hard to study alone, when previously you had company every night (via the mobile, mais bien sûr, it was a major distraction.) Et last year was okay because I had CY, Siu Pan, Eli, Crys, Fil, Fel and Naqib. Mais maintenant, everyone's leading different lives and everyone's so crazily busy.

I hate talking about this parce que it's something that I'm very ashamed of. Quelquefois, when I allow myself to think about it, I am like "What the *beep* was I thinking?!? Why the *beep* did I let my heart run my head?!? How could I have *beep* hurt someone like that?!?". I was so crazily selfish, stupid and disillusioned and I hate every fecking thing that I did. I didn't think. I just did whatever that I felt. Go with the flow, I remember telling myself. It's the STUPIDEST thing ever. Don't fecking go with the flow, unless you want to throw your life away. Even if your body is so tempted to, for pete's sake, gather every friggin' bit of strength you have to pull yourself away from it. Don't ruin your life like that.

I don't talk about it unless I feel like I can't breathe. Even then, it's only Eli whom I will confide in. Parce que she was part of it, she knows every friggin' thought of mine et she has never judged me for what I did. Et she's the only one who knew whatever shit that went through my head parce que she read about it. She's the only amie que I have been so brutally frank avec.

Et here I am typing about all this parce que I don't think many personnes lisent mon blog anymore. I don't keep a paper diary anymore so this is the only avenue for my thoughts. Et lately, this issue has been so frustrating. Coupled with the episode of me nearly dropping out of school...

I feel so UGHHH, tu sais. Mais then, God reminds me que He's ici. That I will get through all this emotional burden that j'ai just because j'ai Him avec me. Et it's necessary que je vais through this parce que it will mould me into someone that He wants me to be.
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C'est tough journey ahead. But I'm ready for it.

(Whatever that was said above was directed towards me, but I think that some of it applies to you too. Do minus the tone and words of extreme emotions!)

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Okay, I completely digressed, as usual. That wasn't what I had in mind when I clicked on 'New Post' in blogger. Nevertheless, I feel a little better. It has been so long since I did a proper rant.
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One thing that I wish I have right now is the courage to ask Lisa for forgiveness. ): But I guess it doesn't matter anymore because the hurt has been done.

straight out from a fairy tale.

"Tu es française?"

Right after I was done writing my French conjugations, the guy beside me spoke up. I was like 'EH?!? I have been told that I look like a Japanese, Taiwanese and (Mainland) Chinese... But French is way far out!'. As usual, I could feel a huge question mark being drawn on my face. I noticed him whilst writing because he was staring at my paper rather intently. But what are the chances of me sitting beside a French twice? He apologised and then, went on to point at one of the many words on my paper; 'doient'.

"You have it wrong here. It's doivent. Otherwise, it's perfect."
*cue: devastating smile*

"OH! Haha. I missed out a 'v' right? Merci. J'apprends le français à l'école."

"Bravo!"

We chatted for a bit, before I went onto Economics. And just before he alighted at Tanah Merah, he turned around and went

"Au revoir!"
*cue: devastating smile again*
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C'est un fairy tale, tu sais. Stuff that you always wish happen to you mais they jamis do. I haven't felt like I am in one for a long time now et it's such a floaty feeling! Et it's stuff like this that make your day just a little easier to breathe. To know that not everyone is a cold b____ out there. That life is still okay. That smiles still do exist.

(Et it's only such stuff that makes you go all girly.)

I miss my customers at Starbucks so badly. The nice ones, bien sûr.
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I don't really know what I'm talking about. Haha. Mais it's the little things that matter to me, that make me really happy. Someone once said that I was easy to please.
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Et I'm gonna miss my French class. It's the only class that I actually know 3/5 of my coursemates. And it's the only class that has such a fun (albeit a tad whacky) teacher. Haha. But yay! Sanjana and I made plans to take French 2 together next semester! (:

missing the wrong beats.

He made me think of l'histoire. The way he dressed, the way he carried his bag, the way he kept sneaking obvious glances. Uncanny.

Usher now. I miss him!!!
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I keep crashing into people on the trains because I'm so knackered. Ugh.

Starbucks Love.

<3

Aujourd'hui, je viens Starbucks avec Eli. C'est my 2nd jour studying there et it's très productive. I can't wait for l'école to end so that I can spend the entire day there. I miss Starbucks-N1 a hell lot. The people you meet there, the environment that you get... They are priceless. You can NEVER get it anywhere else. I felt so 'at home' studying at SB. It's not my store, but it's SB. I don't agree with some things of SB but it will forever and ever be my third home, even if I'm no longer part of it. It's still a part of me. I 'grew up' there. Anyway, the above was taken during my graveyard shift with Isa and Charlene. They went off to collect some stuff from the storeroom so I was left alone to the entire store. I almost felt like Kiat. HAHA. Took the chance to snap some pics! (:

Et le studying stint totally wouldn't be complete if Eli wasn't there! LOVE. (:

P.S.: OH! There were some other students there, mugging for A Levels. That seems such a long time ago... Et then again, it doesn't really. But whatever it is, I had Eli then et I still have her now! (:

DEAR ELI.

DEAR ELI,

This is our song for this year and the many years to come.

It's a stronger song than 'Just Stand Up'.

Love you babe and am missing you terribly.

-

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
You'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand
Then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand (then you stand)
Yea, then you stand (then you stand)

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place, yea
Ooohhh

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand (then you stand)
Then you stand (then you stand)
Yea, then you stand (then you stand)
Yea (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Then you stand

-

LOVE, CHARLENE.

Too much self-wallowing.

Life has been emotionally crazy for the past few weeks. I'm like having a quarter-life crisis again. Gawd. I'm too young for this. I'm very thankful that my parents let me do whatever that I want and support me in every possible way. And for that, I cannot disappoint them. For that, I have to surge forward as hard as I can.

And for my sake, surge forth as FAST as I can.
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God, I pray for strength, perserverance and determination of the highest.
-

Everyone goes through the same thing. Don't magnify problems by overthinking, you.

Où est-discipliné?

I deactivated my fb acocunt because I logged in right after last night's entry. How stupid was that? Et to compound it all, I haven't logged in for 2 weeks!!! UGH. Anyway, au revoir fb. You waste my life away.
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Et aussie le Z monster. Après mon mid-terms, I have been held captive by it parce que each time I open mon livres ou take out mes notes, je dors.
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Time to work on that French Oral, which happens to take place demain, at 4.30pm!!!