because your life's your life and my life is mine.

Mmmhmm... It feels good to wake up without any worries...
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Yesterday marked the official end of school and the herald of 4 months of liberty from incomprehensible books. I was careful to ensure that history wouldn't repeat this semester, or rather the last semester. History was kind but I ran up against an entirely new wall. I studied to get past assignments and tests, without understanding anything and towards the end, the burden of the world felt like it was on me. I know, obviously it wasn't. It just felt so.

I give a lot of weight to school because that's the only thing I have in life. That's the only thing everyone has in life. I don't give two hoots if you beg to differ. Health, happiness, interests whatnots. Those are 'side courses'. They can never be the main thing, nuh uh. I don't care if I fall into the rhythm of the world because fact is, if you don't have that bloody piece of paper, you have nothing.

I used to harbour wild dreams, ambitions. When I was 12, my friend said that my flaw was that I was ambitious. I still was when I was in secondary school but I lost it in junior college. Sometimes, I wonder if things would be different if I went off to one of those elite schools. I wish I did, instead of wanting to learn some other stuff ('Stuff' to remain a undefined to you.). I learnt and I got caught up in it. Got tossed and turned in the vortex of infatuation, depression, rebellion... All that's over now, thank God. But I realize that I have not let one bit of whatever that happened go.
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Lol. I have lost my train of thoughts. Digressed way to far from the initial thing that I wanted to talk about so I shan't carry on. Some things have been on my mind, tucked away in dark recesses.

This vacation, it's time to haul them all up and face the them dragons once and for all.
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I did something weird yesterday. I went to the Anna Sui counter to purchase an eyelash curler and ended up chatting with the salesgirl. And she CRIED. No, no. Not because of me! She had a lousy morning apparently. Guess what I did? I bought a cookie for her.

I don't know why the hell I did that!!! What went through my head was "Oh gawd! She's crying and it's only the start of the day. I know how that feels. What should I do to cheer her up?!?". BUT GAWD. You do that for friends! Not complete strangers!!! Sheesh. I realized that after purchasing the cookie. But I didn't want to have a cookie at that time (I want one now, though. *goes to the kitchen to scour for them*). I could have brought it home to that cookie monster sister of mine (underlined to place the utmost emphasis on it for the benefit of someone dear. *MUACKS* I love you!!!) but I had to go to school before that and anything that goes into my bag comes out in pieces. So I gave it to her.

Liz said I'm weird. She said that I'm WEIRDER than her. HOW IN THE WORLD IS THAT POSSIBLE?!? (I keep telling her I was normal until I met her. Haha.). Anyway, I just felt the need to do something! Sigh okay. But I do admit I am weird. So the aforementioned behavior is normal then, for me anyway.
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Oh gawd. Sheesh. I seriously am weird.

And I'm not going out with anyone until I have made up for all my lost running sessions. *feels a surge of determinance...*

OKAY. What the hell is 'determinace'?!? I meant 'determination'!!! GAWDDD!!! My English!!!
(Anyway, 'determinance' is from the word 'determinant'. Some Linear Algebra shit jargon. Matrices, if you are acquainted with them. And no, the word doesn't exist. I just made a noun out of the noun 'determinant'. OKAY, time out for me! I'm talking flat out rubbish.)

because of my decision, now i feel empty.

friends and chinese.

Why is his blog in Chinese?!? *cries*
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Thanks Peow Ee, Haziq and Xiao Lu for tonight. Really.

la route facile.

j'ai honte de moi.
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my stomach hurts like crap.

I'm starting to wonder if there's something seriously wrong with me. This weekend has been a big uphill task trying to get some proper studying done. I was very disappointed with my Accounting paper because I studied very hard for it. Yet, after the paper, it felt like all my efforts were thrown carelessly into the drain. And to compound the entire situation, I spent the entire of Friday studying my pants off for Calculus, only to find that the past year papers were written in a completely foreign language.

Now, I'm wondering if I actually studied at all or all I did was to go through the motion. Even French looks bad right now.
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The only highlight of this hellish weekend was seeing Haziq and Shirin.

I miss Starbucks-N1 days when Kiat was around. Every day was a happy one. School just stinks more and more.
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Fucking hell.
I really don't want to disappoint my parents.

And it stinks to live on the first floor and have your study table facing the window. Because those who walk pass can see me crying like a crazy nut right now.

eat shoots.

my crazy sister decided to turn vegetarian.
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it won't last because

she was born a carnivore.
and no way is the rest of the family gonna turn veggie-crazy with her.
(gran's NOT gonna cook twice just for her sake.)
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the one thing that i'm mad about is that i won't ever be able to redeem myself.

alice.

Thank you, Louis.

You prevented an outburst on the train.

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Still, i teared all the way home.

And I'm not gonna be polite anymore. If anyone starts telling me his/ her answers, I will just go "SHUT THE HELL UP.". Otherwise, I'm just gonna get 'curioser and curioser'.

And that happened just now.

Perfect.

):

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

5 more minutes till my break ends.

Another day to the demise of accounting. EEKS!!! I'm sooo excited!!! But after 7.30pm tomorrow, I'm officially screwed beyond redemption because my Math modules have all bitten the dust. I was planning to do an irrational spree after my accounting paper (because I deserve it, ahem.) but uh-uh, that's so not gonna happen.
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One thing I realized is that I can't spell English words anymore. I mix them up with French. 'Affairs' become 'affaires', which do not mean the same thing by the way. 'Maintenance' was written as 'maintenant' and again, different meanings.

Thank goodness that the language of my major is numbers.
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CRAP. Time's up. All the best to whoever who has paper tomorrow!

This is how things are with me right now.

I study for a good hour or so and rest for 2 hours.
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Way to go, Charlene.

Every day is a studying fiasco.
God bless my grades this semester.
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):

X(

i'm digging my academic grave.
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okay, no more 'Liar's Game' or fooling around, for the matter, till 29th april.

the raindrops are getting black and fat.

j'ai perdu mon cahier français. *cries*
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Things that went wrong today
Lost my French notebook.
Missed my bus stop.
Bought an ugly muffin.
Scrapped my nose.
Dirtied my fingers while eating ice-cream.
Spent $5.20 on my ice-cream.
Was super unglam in front of M.
French Oral was postponed.
Was assigned the 2nd last group for French.
Just passed my STUPID French listening comprehension which brought EVERYTHING ELSE down (I did well for my other sections, but because of the STUPID listening... UGH. I want so badly to do well in French. *cries again*).
Finally had the epiphany that my ears are faulty and that's why I suck at all listening crap.
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Dear Holidays,

Please come quick. I need Japanese to make me smile. ):

Love,
Charlene
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(Just so that I don't come across as an emo shit person, I am SOOO thrilled that Lizzie loves ごくせん!!! Yay!!! Everyone should watch it!!! But take note, Matsumoto Jun is MINE! Hands off!!! Haha.)
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//EDIT (00:57): I lost my script for my Communications presentation on Friday. Shoot me already.

la horreur.

Here's another entry in English because the speech which I crafted for my HW111A presentation had egregious grammatical mistakes. I messed up my TENSES. Good gawd. Tenses are like the BASICS. *drops dead* I speak Chinese in school most of the time (And 99% of the time, my message is received as intended. Thank you very much.). I don't listen to the news on my iPod anymore because I'm either (re)watching Japanese shows or listening to Japanese songs (and daydreaming about Matsumoto Jun). I don't read anymore. Well, I do. Stuff like double integrals, spanning trees, rewarding (shit) system, manufacturing overhead, real vector spaces yada yada yada.

And oh yes, a little update on my academic life. Literally in pieces. I'm just looking forward to days of stuffing myself silly with the Japanese language so that I can be one step closer to Matsumoto Jun (The one step is a big step. And patience is a virtue. Amen.).
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School's a shit hole. I hate it.

c'est la vie.

Buried.

-

Suffocation.

Anticipation.

la glace.

la nuit finissait gentiment pour moi.

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(:

cloud 9

In spite of the fact that exams are drawing nearer with each tick of the clock, my happiness bubble has been growing (though I think it's about to be popped soon ): ). On Thursday, I had to write a short essay for my French test and I must say that I did a pretty decent length. XD I crossing my fingers over and over because I really, desperately want to do well for that section (Yes, just that section only. I can't speak and listen. EPIC FAILURE at the Mother language of love. SIGH.) . But it's better not to have any hopes at all, lest you fall. :\ Anyway, that's not the main point. The main point is that I FINALLY spoke with the coolest guy (and his friend as well, who's cool too!) in my French class!!! They speak rapid French and M's like really the arty sort. He reminds me of JH a whole lot. But I think M's cooler. HAHAHA. Oops! Haha. That's only 'cause you let your French book bite the dust, JH! I still love you! And will always do (even if you're not so cool anymore...)! Haha. (:
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Met up with Lizzie today to study at Starbucks A2. (: Dad said both of us dressed like dolls! Haha. I LOVE IT! And I love the fact that Lizzie darling agreed to study Japanese (otherwise she owes me US$100.). WOHOO!!! And she's gonna watch a Japanese drama tonight (RIGHT?!?). YAY!!! Very soon, all my good buds (Except for my bestie Chua, because she's stubborn and careless. Haha. She called me at midnight and was in a complete frenzy, just because she left her laptop charger in school. Seriously... Haha. But that's Chua for you!) will learn Japanese and we will all converse in that language and go Japan and live there and eat Japanese cuisine everyday, and fall in love there (Matsumoto Jun is mine!!!) yada yada yada. Haha. See? Anything and everything Japanese makes me happy! Woot!!!
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Okay, my English sucks BIG TIME and I hate it. So I'm stopping here.

Got to deal with the stupid presentation for communications class. UGH.
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And oh yeah! Lizzie's weird. RIGHT??? Right. Haha. LOVE YOU BABE!

Dear Charlene,

Please concentrate on your work. You only have to suffer for 2 more weeks. Please. It's for your own sake. Your future, think!

So please focus.

Love,
Charlene

when push comes to shore, you taste what you are made of. you might bend till you break cause its all you can take. on your knees, you look up, decide you had enough, you get mad, you get strong. wipe your hands, shake it off then you stand.

stand tall.

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i miss you too, Charmian.

*SCREAMS*

i think i am crazy to have not su-ed accounting. i am a crazy masochist, seeking an early death through academic means. what a novel idea. *applauds* DON'T COPY!!!
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i will KILL myself if i let accounting ruin my GPA.