i miss my nurse!!!

My heart did an involuntary flip yesterday when he initiated a conversation with me. But I'm kind of on the edge... Like I'm afraid that he's still the old him and he will have one of those weird moods. Like one minute he's all friendly and the next, he's distant.

Shit. I don't know why I'm so afraid of that happening.
-

Oh anyway...

filza- says:
hahahha. it's okay i still have a few more days to chillax
heh, depends on my tutorials.
im trying to get a thursday freee

charlene says:
OH! I love the word chillax btw!
haha
wow!
i have like a mad schedule next sem
damn sian

filza- says:
chillax chillax chillax!
oh how mad?

charlene says:
like 4 hours of lecture at one shot
sch everyday
2 days end at 5.30
the rest at 3.30
2 mods are worth 4 AUs

filza- says:
eeeeeeeeeeeekkkks!

charlene says:
kill me already!!!

filza- says:
*stabs charlene*

charlene says:
*can't die*
shit!!!
it's the Education god

filza- says:
HAHAHHHAHHAHA.

charlene says:
he refuses to let me die
LOL
omg
lame

filza- says:
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA.
typical charlene

charlene says:
EH WHAT?!?!
LOL
takes 2 hands to clap!!!

filza- says:
ur hands are magic...
which reminded me... I HAVE A FRIEND WHO CAN CLAP WITH ONE HAND
hahahhaha, it was really freaky!!

i'm swallowing a lot. and not really caring about it.

It's sheer delight reading Cheryl's and Samantha's blogs because I feel like I'm doing something about my atrocious English. I have finally picked up a book. Yes, I had thumbed through the pages of the book before. Yes, I did indeed zero in on the nice, sweet, romantic bits. But hey! I have finally started on 'THE GREAT SUMMER PLAN'.

So much for the summer plan. I have done absolutely ZILCH to better myself. It's annoying and it's even more so if I were to dedicate an entire entry, lamenting about how I silly I am. So let's skip to the next bit. Self-revelation.
-

I was reading 'The Undomestic Goddes' (And can I just stop and swear here? I just found out that it's being made into a movie and GAWD. Demi Lovato is Samantha Sweetings and Joe Jonas is Nathaniel. I'm fine with them but them as the leads?!? They're gonna spoil it! *cries*) and I just can't imagine myself doing something that's brain-numbing. Okay, I'm currently doing that and stabbing myself mentally for every minute that passes by. But for life??? I love Samantha Sweetings (I'm making a point to say her entire name because it rolls off my tongue very prettily.)' high-flying life! That was the kind of life I envisioned for myself when I was in secondary school. And now?

I'm watching 'NBC Nightly News' religiously from now onwards. I'm gonna carry my French book everywhere I go. I'm gonna use less 'like' and 'friggin''. I'm gonna learn how the stock market works. I'm going to bury myself in law, economics and finance books. I'm hitting the gym every day from next week onwards (I'm currently nursing a vicious bout of flu.). I'm gonna finish that darn '10, 000' Words book, which I started when I was 15 (Did the front, did the back and stop.)

Haha. Who am I kidding?
-

Gonna try and craft out another difficult email now.
I'm trying to clear the skeletons in my closet.

I'm getting the idea that perhaps I have stopped knowing how to be a friend.

Or maybe I never did know how to be one at all.
-

It has been a battle trying to sleep for the past few nights. Illness is, sure as hell, at my doorstep. Darn.

I think I need a chicklit. Any recommendations?

mmhmm...

C – This letter defines a very skillful, versatile, and competent individual. They are gentle, kind, and very lavish with their money. Many are natural born promoters. In an argument, you want their gentle wit, fairness, and logic on your side. However, the C first name letter can also be vicious and vengeful if they feel hurt. Loyalty means a lot to them in life.


J – This is the letter of ruthless ambition. People with this letter will stop at nothing to get what they want out of life. The J type is also honest to a fault, so much so that they drive friends and partners away with their candid observations and humor. However, for the most part, they are kind and well meaning and do well when they find an understanding partner.

hear it from New York.

I went for a workshop on Friday and got my first taste of acting. Subconsciously, I always know that it isn't as glamorous as it looks like on teevee but to have the dirty truth flung so violently in my face... Well, it is disappointing. And sheesh, do I shake in front of the cameras and lights!

Still, it was a good experience. You get to know how fake things, people too, can be.
-

From Monday onwards, it's gonna be all action. I swear upon my life. Early night on Sunday and early morning on Monday. I want to spend the remaining days of summer in a cafe, studying my languages.
-

I try to be patient, really. But I guess I'm not trying hard enough. I get irked so easily that it irks me. Ugh. I wish I hadn't shouted but that woman is seriously losing her friggin' head. I pray that I won't end up like her when I do get my own children.
-

On a cooler note, something cool's gonna happen on Tuesday! I'm ecstatic!!! Like completely! *throws flowers*

boys, who else?

i think boys who read, work or have a deep passion for something are worth having a second look at.

other than that, no.

let's do it the old-school way.

I really hate it when people make it sound like I'm obliged to reply to their MSN conversations. Okay, I know it's a matter of being polite and all that jazz. But I talk to whoever that I want to talk to. And if I ain't in the mood to talk to you, you sure as hell do not piss me off by telling me that I didn't reply to your MSN conversations.
-

Okay, I'm just a little mad at various things right now. Just a small (and sweet) digression (Completely necessary to be told because it leads to everything else.), on Tuesday, I met the TJ guy that I used to have a major crush on back when I was 15/ 16. It was like a secondary school girl having the world's biggest crush on the JC kor kor on Bus 24. I didn't see him again after well, I suppose, after he graduated from JC. I was surprised he noticed me because I didn't. I was too busy laughing with my siblings over 'Despicable Me' (Go watch, if you haven't!). But he kept looking over. So well, if anyone were to stare at me, you could bet that I would stare back too, attempting to zap the stare-r into thin air so that me, the stare-e, could continue to merge with the background. HAHA. Okay. That's utter nonsense. But after a while (Sorry!), I was like OH!!! And we smiled at each other just before he alighted. Sweetest summer ever! (:

But back to the story, after the incident, it made me think about the entries I wrote about him. There are only a few but one incident remains as crystal clear as it was when I was 15. I thought he had sat beside me and was getting jittery and all that. But lo and behold! It was some old man/ lady who took the seat beside me. And Dad witnessed the entire episode. He didn't know exactly what happened but he was definitely amused with the sudden change in my facial expression. Haha. I wrote that incident in an English assignment of mine and my teacher just kept smiling at me after that. Haha.

I searched for my old diaries. I did read those about him but I also ended up reading other entries too. It was really interesting to read the thoughts of 15-year-old me. Stuff that used to bother me then, don't bother me now. I really hated my skin back then (Plagued with major acne problems.), thought a lot about boys, marriage, love and kids, wanted desperately to live in New York and meet guys like Jack Harper (From 'Can You Keep a Secret?'. Gosh! I have been reading this book since 2004. Can you imagine how many times that is? No wonder the book's all yellow! I think I got it right after Samantha Eng did a skit on it. Haha. I remembered that only Madam Surayah got the 'G spot' bit.) and well, of course, studies. Studies were a huge part of my life, and they still are. But my aspirations and determination have been dampened. A lot. By certain decisions that I made, by laziness, by procrastination, by the fact that I want the easy way out, by the fact that I keep hoping that things will drop into my lap...

21's coming soon and thank God that I know now that things will NOT drop into my lap. I can't just work hard in one aspect and expect the rest to come easy to me. I need to work hard in ALL aspects. I'm almost afraid. I just want to lie in my bed and dream, really. But turning 21 HAS to mean SOMETHING. It HAS to CHANGE something. And if it means having to say more 'yes'es (To all things legal and lawful and righteous in God's eyes.) and less 'no's, then I say "Bring it on!".
-

Let's see... Right now, I have got a good one month and 16 days to say as many 'no's as possible... Possibly enough 'no's to last me for the rest of my life, because once 21 arrives, 'no' isn't gonna be in my dictionary any more (Again, this only applies to all things legal and lawful and righteous in God's eyes.).
-

And I really wanted to say that I miss the old-school way of journaling. But oh well.

hang dear.

I had a really sweet customer yesterday. I wish I got her Facebook information or something.
-

Sometimes, I wish I could keep in contact with all the nice people that I have met. Even though the newspapers spell a very bleak world, that's on the verge of an Armageddon  (The lady at my workplace always says that the world is turning chaotic, mad.), there are really nice people out there. I know I probably won't talk much to them  after that but at least, it's good to know how they are doing with their Facebook updates and stuff like that.

I remember my customers at Starbucks but the memories are fading. Thank God for journals. But even then, all my memories are journaled online. I'm scared that the servers will crash and then, I won't have my memories with me anymore.
-

I don't think badly of these social networking sites. Sure, you don't cultivate real friendships since everything takes place in the virtual world but at least you have a bit of everyone.

I cried after the big Os, when I realized that I won't be seeing those people that I have been seeing for 4 years. Even if the person only left a shallow footprint on my sand, 10 years down the road, I still would like to know if he/ she were doing well.
-

Anyway, my lappie's sick. Sigh. I saved some virus stupidly. Really annoyed because now I'm gonna lose all my stuff and it sucks because I have got textbooks saved on my lappie. Ugh.

BUT 3 things made me real happy yesterday. The feeling has kinda ebbed away because I'm waiting anxiously for an email. SIGH. Should have called them back but I was working. And I had an awful dream last night. That it wasn't true at all. That I still had to fight.

Fighting for myself is my forte. But it's not when I have to prove myself to OTHERS. I never compete with others, never really bothered with others when it comes to competitions. It's always with myself. That was what my primary school teacher taught me. (:

i'm still at square one.

Today, I had a scary thought.
Today, I realized that even though I don't hurt but I still remember.

Oh for crying out loud! Will I never ever get over him?
And it isn't because he's an awfully good catch because there's plenty of copies of him around (Ouch!).
He and his cheesy lines. He and his stalker-like tactics. He and his crocodile tears.

It's just 'cause he's the first and I'm ALL about symbols.
-

Am back working, despite nursing a very sore throat and the occasional sniffles because, gawd! I swear it's gonna snow any moment in that stupid building. It's so friggin' frigid that I literally CANNOT feel my fingers and I can see every single vein that runs in me! But anyway, thank God for my workmates, Doris and Michelle (She's my sis' secondary school classmate! How cool is that! And we totally, completely click! Think: Makeup.)! (:

My English's junk so I don't feel like writing/ typing anymore.
Reading 'Can You Keep A Secret?' for the 1058243549585th time and the giggles still come. Sophie Kinsella's amazing!

And so is 'White Chicks'! Watched that when ZT stayed over. (:

Ramblings No. 10243724921492012

I have been nursing a seriously bad bout of flu. Gawd. I don't remember taking 4 days AND COUNTING to recover from some stupid virus. UGH. It's pissing me off really bad because I just started work and WHAM! Sorry Sharon, I can't turn up for work because I lost my voice *starts croaking*. Yes, I really did lose my voice. I don't even remember when was the last time I lost my stupid voice. I hate being sick. I swear to God no more late nights, plenty of water, no more Twisties (I have been craving for them.) and lots of exercise. I swear!!!
-

HIMYM is really nice.